fangirlingtodeath513:

alone | the canon reciprocation we all deserved

“I love you.”

The statement reverberates around the small room, edges sharp and waiting, like they’re just itching to tear into Dean’s skin. His mind is reeling, bouncing between so many different lines of thought that he feels like he might just shut down entirely. But then one specific thought overwhelms all the others: nothing’s happening. Billie is still banging on the door behind Castiel, but the room is utterly silent. Dean’s not saying anything, though he thinks he feels his jaw moving. That’s not the problem, and he and Castiel seem to realize it at the exact same moment: the empty is nowhere to be seen.

Castiel’s brows furrow and he turns, body tense with nerves, to look at the door Billie is still trying to break through.

Logically, Dean knows why it didn’t work. No matter what Castiel wants to say, his happiness isn’t in just saying it, because Dean knows exactly what he’s feeling right now. He knows the exact cocktail of emotions because it’s the same one that’s been swirling within him for god only knows how long. Castiel’s nervous and happy, yes, but there’s also a sad tinge to it. It’s like he knows Dean will never feel the same, which is utterly ridiculous, though knowing that himself and saying it out loud are two different things.

“I-I… I thought that would work. I don’t understand…” Castiel says quietly, eyes darting around the room. He avoids looking anywhere near Dean, which Dean can understand.

He knows. Realistically, he thinks Castiel knows as well, but he can’t be sure. Castiel’s feelings have always been foreign to him, now more than ever, but if Castiel’s hoping the empty is coming for him, it appears he’s going to be disappointed.

“Cas… don’t do this,” he finally manages to choke out. His voice is rough and quiet and nowhere near the normal bravado he has, but he can’t help it. He knows what the solution is, and every cell in his body is telling him to shut the fuck up and spend his last few minutes of life with Castiel.

Castiel just gives him a sad smile. “Let me do this for you. I want you to live, Dean. If that’s the consequence of this deal, then I’ll count that as a win and I’ll rest easy.”

Dean swallows around the lump in his throat—when did that get there?—and takes an aborted half-step toward Castiel. “I-I just want to make sure, before… Is this what you want? We can find another way, we always do.”

Castiel’s sad smile returns and it nearly breaks Dean’s heart. “We don’t have time, Dean. It doesn’t appear to have worked, anyway. I’ll… figure something else out.”

Dean swallows again, reaching out with jerky, nervous movements until he’s got a hand on Castiel’s cheek. “It’s not working because you’re not happy.”

Castiel looks like he wants to argue but Dean is quickly losing his nerve, so he takes another step closer and brings his left hand up to mirror his right, both thumbs stroking Castiel’s cheeks gently. They’re still wet from his tears.

“Me too, Cas, of course I love you. God, how could I not? You’re…” his words fail him, so he just offers Castiel a watery smile. “You’ve always had me, Castiel. Ever since you pulled me out of Hell.”

He can hear something behind him and he watches Castiel’s eyes dart to something just over Dean’s left shoulder, but he’s not letting the empty ruin this. Not this. This is too important. Castiel is too important.

“I’ve always loved you, Cas. I always will.” The admission feels foreign on his tongue. He’s not used to expressing his feelings like this, but in the face of Castiel’s death, it seems so inconsequential. Castiel deserves this, and he’s earned a response like this from Dean. Dean owes him this, he knows that.

It takes him the space of a single breath to lean in and close the gap between them. He hesitates a couple of inches from Castiel’s face, close enough to hear the shocked inhale from Castiel. There are fresh tears on Dean’s hands, though he can’t tell if they’re from Castiel or from himself. He doesn’t really care at this point.

Castiel closes the last of the gap, his lips warm and chapped against Dean’s. He’s nervous at first, or maybe too emotional, but eventually they both let go of their reservations. Castiel’s hand settles on Dean’s left shoulder, his other arm winding around Dean’s waist as they kiss. It’s wonderful and magical and heartbreaking all at the same time and Dean’s not sure he’ll ever be able to recover but he doesn’t care. He deserves this as much as Castiel does. He deserves to be happy, even if it’s only for a moment. Hell, he probably won’t make it out of this fight either, this might be the last chance he gets to be truly happy.

Castiel’s grip on his shoulder tightens and then he’s leaning away, eyes shining with unshed tears. He’s smiling, though, a smile Dean’s never seen him wear.

It’s content.

Happy.

It’s exactly what the empty needs.

Everything happens all at once. The door behind Castiel flies off its hinges, a pissed off Billie standing in the doorway. Castiel shoves Dean to the side, the same happy smile on his face.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

The empty doesn’t hesitate. It doesn’t let them breathe. Dean’s not the one being smothered, but he feels like it’s his own throat that closes as he watches Castiel be engulfed. He can’t decide if he wants to cry, scream, or grab Castiel’s hand and go with him. Maybe it’s a combination of all three. Maybe if he moves now—

But then the empty is closing around Billie, too, her scythe abandoned on the floor as she’s surrounded and pulled in.

The empty shrinks back into the wall it had so effortlessly sprung from and Dean’s left to his customary existence.

Alone.

hamburgergod:

truly amazing that destiel really is the love story that was created from going off-script and saying fuck you to authorities that try to undermine it, both within the show and outside of it

galaxystiel:

15x20 Carry On Coda.

The Impala races on, the road endless in front of him.

Dean feels at peace. Sort of.

There’s a certain acceptance, knowing that this time Sam will listen. Because he will. Dean knows it to his core. Knows it from the way Sam let him go. There’s no coming back this time. Heaven is his highway, ready to roam.

But something is missing.

Cas helped. Bobby’s words ring in his ear, and he hadn’t let himself think about what that meant at the time, but now it’s just him and the road and it’s all he can think about.

He closes his eyes, just for a moment. It’s not like he can die. He’s in Heaven after all.

He opens his eyes, and the surroundings have changed. The highway becomes a dirt road, to a familiar looking barn.

Dean knows Castiel will be waiting for him inside, and he’s surprised that he doesn’t feel the urge to stumble over his own feet in his haste to get there. He and Cas, they’ve got all the time in the world.

He pushes the barn door open, and green meets blue.

And the thing is, Dean knew he’d let Castiel down. He should have said something, anything, instead of letting him die in silence. Die without knowing what he meant, to both of them, but also to just Dean.

“I love you,” he says, and it’s somehow the easiest thing in the world.

And Castiel’s eyes crinkle, and his smile is all gummy, and Dean just reaches for him, falling into a kiss that has been overdue for so long.

*

They grow old together.

Not that either of them age, but here Dean’s life is as endless as Castiel’s is.

They never leave each other’s side, but they visit everyone together. Mary, John, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Kevin. Charlie arrives later, and so does Jody and Donna. Dean spends a moment of regret for the friends he’ll never get to see again, like Benny.

But Cas takes his hand, and he thinks Benny would be proud of where he ended up.

One morning, he heads downstairs from the semi-detached house they’ve made their home, and Castiel is smiling at him.

“What’s up?” He asks, but somehow he already knows.

“Sam,” Castiel states simply, and holds out the keys to the Impala. “He’ll be here soon.”

Dean steps forward, momentarily ignoring the keys so he can run his fingers over Castiel’s stubbled cheek. “You’re not coming?”

Castiel smiles and shakes his head, and Dean knows that he’s giving him this moment alone with his brother.

He takes the keys, and drives.

15x20 Carry On Coda.

The Impala races on, the road endless in front of him.

Dean feels at peace. Sort of.

There’s a certain acceptance, knowing that this time Sam will listen. Because he will. Dean knows it to his core. Knows it from the way Sam let him go. There’s no coming back this time. Heaven is his highway, ready to roam.

But something is missing.

Cas helped. Bobby’s words ring in his ear, and he hadn’t let himself think about what that meant at the time, but now it’s just him and the road and it’s all he can think about.

He closes his eyes, just for a moment. It’s not like he can die. He’s in Heaven after all.

He opens his eyes, and the surroundings have changed. The highway becomes a dirt road, to a familiar looking barn.

Dean knows Castiel will be waiting for him inside, and he’s surprised that he doesn’t feel the urge to stumble over his own feet in his haste to get there. He and Cas, they’ve got all the time in the world.

He pushes the barn door open, and green meets blue.

And the thing is, Dean knew he’d let Castiel down. He should have said something, anything, instead of letting him die in silence. Die without knowing what he meant, to both of them, but also to just Dean.

“I love you,” he says, and it’s somehow the easiest thing in the world.

And Castiel’s eyes crinkle, and his smile is all gummy, and Dean just reaches for him, falling into a kiss that has been overdue for so long.

*

They grow old together.

Not that either of them age, but here Dean’s life is as endless as Castiel’s is.

They never leave each other’s side, but they visit everyone together. Mary, John, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Kevin. Charlie arrives later, and so does Jody and Donna. Dean spends a moment of regret for the friends he’ll never get to see again, like Benny.

But Cas takes his hand, and he thinks Benny would be proud of where he ended up.

One morning, he heads downstairs from the semi-detached house they’ve made their home, and Castiel is smiling at him.

“What’s up?” He asks, but somehow he already knows.

“Sam,” Castiel states simply, and holds out the keys to the Impala. “He’ll be here soon.”

Dean steps forward, momentarily ignoring the keys so he can run his fingers over Castiel’s stubbled cheek. “You’re not coming?”

Castiel smiles and shakes his head, and Dean knows that he’s giving him this moment alone with his brother.

He takes the keys, and drives.

perlukafarinn:

i know we all talk about dean being repressed but like. 

cas had years to tell dean he loved him and he only did it once it was 100% guaranteed that he wouldn’t have to face his response. he did not tell dean he loved him until he knew he would die instantly after. facing certain death was preferable to him over the possibility of rejection.

those two emotional disasters deserve each other, that’s all i’m saying.

thelordsoftherings:

all events now should be categorized as either b.c.d (before canon deancas) or a.c.d (after canon deancas)

justpassingbyheretoday:

Dean: Not for nothing but the last person who looked at me like that..I got laid.

*Cas precedes to look at him like that for 12 years*

Cas: why isn’t this working?