Stay (AO3)

Summary: Castiel decides it’s time to tell Dean how he feels. He just needs to convince him that he’s planning to stay.

“I love you.”

Dean freezes, the rim of the beer bottle only inches away from his mouth. His hand trembles, his eyes wide with shock. Castiel supposes his revelation is a little out of the blue, but he’s tired of waiting for Dean to come to terms with the bond between them. Sam had told him to take what he wanted with both hands, and Castiel intends to do it.

He supposes that it would have been better to wait for a more opportune time, instead of blurting it out in the middle of an episode of Dr. Sexy MD. In Castiel’s defence, he’s had a long day of Netflix and probably isn’t thinking straight.

“What?”

Dean’s reply penetrates through his thoughts, his mind having wandered. Not quite the reaction Castiel was hoping for, but Dean hasn’t kicked him out yet so he’s counting it as a win.

“I love you,” he tries again. “I always have, since the day I met you. Since you stabbed me in the chest in the middle of that barn. Although maybe not then. Maybe when I pulled you out of Hell and saw how bright your soul shone.”

Dean seems shell shocked, his mouth opening and closing like he’s trying to summon a reply but hasn’t quite got a clue where to start.

“Cas…  you can’t love me,” he gets out eventually.

Castiel frowns, feeling his hope dissipate. He almost ducks his head, but changes his mind. He won’t cower from his feelings.

“But I do.”

He can see the reaction in Dean’s eyes, the hope, the way the gold flecks shine against the green and betray his happiness. Castiel’s heart soars, his hope returning, but it’s short lived. Something in Dean’s expression changes and then he’s pulling away, at least emotionally.

“You shouldn’t,” Dean tells him roughly. “I’m not… I don’t… you should go.”

Castiel nods automatically, because he won’t force Dean to tolerate his company if he’s not wanted any more. He understands that it’s probably uncomfortable for Dean, and while his own heart feels like it’s being stamped on by a herd of elephants, Castiel has always and will continue to put Dean first.

He licks his lips as he stands. “Of-of course, Dean. I completely understand. Good night.”

It doesn’t occur to Castiel to be angry. Dean’s defence mechanism is always to push people away when they get too close. Castiel has seen it enough times now to recognise it. He can’t blame Dean for wanting to protect his heart.

Gabriel doesn’t see it that way, however. When Castiel seeks him out for advice, Gabriel is furious. Threatens to do all manner of unpleasant things to ‘that punk-ass, cowardly douchebag’. Castiel doesn’t quite understand why his brother is so mad, but he lets him get it all out of his system.

When his rant is complete, Gabriel whirls around and jabs his finger at Castiel. “You stay away from him. He’s a complete waste of space.”

Castiel frowns at the archangel. “I will not, and he is no such thing. I know Dean, he’s doing this so he doesn’t get hurt. I can take care of myself, Gabriel.”

Gabriel throws his hands in the air dramatically and Castiel takes that as permission to make his own choices.

The next night, he stops by Dean’s room again, knocking quietly. It takes a while for Dean to answer, and when he does, he looks terrible. He hasn’t shaved and there are dark circles around his eyes. Concern fills Castiel’s gaze, particularly when Dean looks surprised to see him.

“What are you doing here?”

The question isn’t meant rudely, so Castiel brushes it off, stepping inside without invitation. “It’s Friday. We always have pizza and beer on Fridays. Unless I’m no longer welcome…” he adds quietly. Castiel might not regret confession his feelings, but it will hurt if it came at the expense of his friendship with Dean. He has nowhere to go if Dean turns him away from the bunker again.

“Of course you’re welcome,” Dean mutters, closing the door and dropping onto his bed with a sigh. “Just didn’t think you’d be coming tonight, that’s all.”

It’s Castiel’s turn to look surprised now. “Why not? Because you rejected me?”

Dean averts his eyes guilty, and Castiel sighs, sitting next to him on the couch. “Dean. We both know that you rejected me because you’re scared that I’m going to leave you one day. If I want to prove otherwise, then leaving you to wallow in self-pity isn’t exactly a great start, is it?”

Dean blinks at him, and there’s something in his eyes that show his confusion, but there’s also fond amusement. “You know, anyone else would be mad that I was a selfish jerk. I shoulda figured that you would see it differently.” He sobered, turning his eyes to the floor. “Everybody leaves, Cas.”

“Didn’t we just establish that I’m not anyone else? That I’m different?” Castiel murmurs gently, reaching out to place his hand to top of Dean’s, grasping his fingers. “If you don’t feel that way about me, that’s fine. But don’t refuse to give us a chance because you think I’m going to run out on you. That’s never going to happen.”

Dean makes a sound that is suspiciously like a sob, and his face is suddenly buried in Castiel’s chest. Castiel winds his arms around Dean and hums softly.

He doesn’t think Dean believes him yet, but he’s more willing to listen than he was yesterday, which is a start. Castiel has no way to prove that he won’t leave, but time will prove his words.

He’s not going anywhere.

Masterpost