Human (AO3)

Requested by padaleckhi

Prompt: (#350 - LOVE LETTER) In a desperate bid to distract Castiel from his incessant emoji texting, Dean decides the best thing to do is to get Castiel to write down his previous experience as a human. Set just after the season 10 finale.

The emojis had to stop.

Dean was considering confiscating Castiel’s phone and replacing it with a phone older than Claire, because the incessant emojis were driving him insane. But Dean hadn’t said anything yet because it was harmless. Never mind the fact that it made Cas happy. That didn’t play into it. Not at all.

Damnit.

He’d just have to find something else to help distract the angel, but right now he was fresh out of ideas. There had to be something, though, because he could hear his phone vibrating behind him on the desk. No doubt it was another text from Castiel, despite the fact that he was sitting across the room, within ten feet. Actually speaking what he wanted to say would have taken far less time and effort.

Without even looking at his phone, Dean glanced up and fixed his gaze on the angel. “Hey, Cas, you like to read?”

Castiel and Sam both glanced up in confusion. They were in the middle of researching a way to return the darkness to where it came from, all reading up on anything they could find to do with the black cloud that had covered three quarters of the continental US in the space of a week, and it was spreading.

“I… enjoy some books,” Castiel replied slowly. “Some can occasionally be laborious, though. Why do you ask?”

“Writing, then,” Dean pressed, trying to find something that Castiel could do to occupy his time and get rid of that damn phone. Inspiration struck as soon as the words left his mouth. “I mean, you did say yesterday that you were worried about forgetting your human experiences. Why don’t you write it all down?”

Across the room, Sam glared at him, but Dean completely ignored him. He knew Sam had guessed his motivations, but hey, it wasn’t like he was telling Cas that he was annoying as hell, he was subtly trying to find a way to find him a new hobby.

Castiel’s brow furrowed for a moment as he considered the idea, and them a smile spread across his face. “I appreciate that suggestion, Dean, thank you. I will write it all down… I’ll find a book and use it to record everything I remember about feeling human.”

He returned to reading the tome in front of him, and Dean completely ignored his brother’s disapproving look in favour of reading his own book, feeling thoroughly relieved that he might get some reprieve from Castiel’s incessant texting.

It was about a week later before Dean realised that it had actually worked. His phone hadn’t buzzed in days, except for the occasion when Sammy went to the store and told him they were out of pie. That had been a bad day. But every time Dean and Castiel crossed paths, the angel was scribbling in an old notebook that he’d unearthed from God knows where.

Except that they barely ever crossed paths. For the last week, Dean had seen Castiel for the duration it took him to make coffee in the morning, and the time it took him to grab a plate of food from the kitchen for dinner. He didn’t even eat with them anymore, taking the plate back to his room down the hall. On top of that, when Dean woke up after his usual nightmares and went to take a shower, there was still a light on in Castiel’s room.

In a moment of weakness, Dean knocked, but there was no reply other than the sound of a pen scratching on paper. There was something wrong about the thought of Castiel not having time for him, it made Dean’s chest feel heavy. He didn’t like it. This wasn’t right.

Well, Cas could do what he liked right? Dean decided he didn’t care.

Except he did. Son of a bitch.

He let the whole thing go on for another week, but his mood shifted as the time went on. Dean became withdrawn, irritable, even snapped at Sam for buying lettuce to put in his burger, accused him of contaminating the recipe with his rabbit food and swept his own plate off the table, walking out of the bunker angrily.

He apologized when he got back, but refused to admit that anything was wrong, telling Sammy to mind his own business and locking himself in his room, glaring at the wall. This wasn’t right. Why was being human and all that came with it so important to Castiel?

That wasn’t the problem, though, and Dean knew it but wouldn’t admit it to himself. The problem wasn’t that being human was important, it was that it was more important than him. For all the time he’d known Cas, he’d never been anything other than his main priority, and maybe he’d taken that for granted a little. But now Dean was feeling thoroughly neglected, and he hated every second of it.

Things couldn’t carry on like this though, so when dinner came and Castiel left with his plate again, Dean’s face turned thunderous. He ate his meal in silence, and even Sam knew not to speak to him at that moment, clearing out of the bunker as soon as he’d finished his meal. Dean barely even noticed he’d gone.

Marching down the hall, he didn’t offer Castiel the courtesy of knocking, just opened his door. “You finished with your plate? I need to wash up,” he said curtly.

Castiel barely glanced up, just turned his head a fraction of an inch in Dean’s direction and nodded.

“You gonna look at me any time in the next decade, Cas?” The words burst out. “I mean, hell, you’re living with us and you haven’t said more than two words to me in the last two weeks? Did I do something wrong? Huh?”

Eyes wide, Castiel looked at Dean in shock, and the hunter repressed his satisfaction at the small victory. “You haven’t done anything, Dean,” Castiel promised him, his voice soft. “I’m just trying to get all of this down before I forget. Sensations, flavours, scents, they’re all going to fade from my memory soon, and words won’t be able to record the experiences accurately. But there are some things I never want to forget, how some memories and experiences made me feel. And I don’t want those to disappear.”

Dean felt like kind of a jerk once he realised how selfish he’d been in the last two weeks. Of course Castiel would want to remember everything about being human.

“It’s… forget about it. You want to have a beer and watch Dr Sexy with me?” Dean muttered, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

Castiel nodded, a small smile touching his lips. “I’d like that. Perhaps I should shower first, though,” he admitted, getting to his feet and closing his notebook. “I have been… neglecting my personal hygiene in favour of spending more time writing.”

Dean wrinkled his nose and practically pushed Castiel out of the room. “Shower. Now. And brush your damn teeth. With the toothbrush this time.” He muttered, steering Cas towards the shower. “Take your time.”

He watched Castiel disappear into the shower and started to head back to the kitchen, realising on the way he’d never grabbed Castiel’s plate. Sighing, Dean headed back to his bedroom, picking up the empty dish and pausing as his gaze fell on the notebook.

Cas hadn’t said it was personal, right? He hadn’t told Dean not to touch it. And it wasn’t like Dean didn’t already know everything Castiel had experienced while being human. Maybe it would have some details about sex with that April chick, that could be interesting.

Opening the book, Dean quickly scanned some of the pages, leafing through the boring crap about the benefits of grape jelly over other flavours. Figured that Cas would write some lame ass details about being human. His own name caught his eye and he immediately focused, wondering what Cas had written about him

The hardest part about being human, at first, was Dean. Always, I could hear his prayers, feel his longing whenever he needed me. That was suddenly gone. From the moment my grace left my body, I felt like the biggest part of me was missing. There was a coldness, a silence that I hadn’t experienced since the day I met the Righteous Man.

It was replaced by something else, something I didn’t quite understand at first. Something I had never felt before. I would do anything for Sam, but there has always been something different about my relationship with Dean. Hearing his voice suddenly filled me with immense joy, made my heart have palpitations, for reasons I could not identify. It felt like all the air was sucked from my body, like I could not breathe.

It was all so confusing to me. Feeling so many sensations, discovering countless new experiences could be overwhelming. Touch was something new entirely. Touching someone else and being touched by them was the most wonderful experience. Not intercourse, but the simple act of even shaking someone’s hand.

I wished to touch Dean. To hold his hand within mine, to brush my fingertips over his countless freckles, to touch his lips and see if they were as soft as they looked. Everything I felt as a human was magnified a dozen times over because of him.

And now I’m terrified that the return of my grace will take all that away from me.

Dean blinked, reading part of the last sentence aloud. “That love will, once again, be nothing but a foreign concept to me…”

“And the love I feel for Dean will cease to exist.” A gravelly voice finished behind him.

He looked up to see Castiel standing in the doorway, freshly showered and in nothing but a pair of sweatpants. His gaze was defiant, his shoulder squared as if he was ready to feel rejection, or perhaps to inflict anger at Dean’s lack of regard for his privacy, it was impossible for the hunter to tell.

“Cas…” he said quietly, confusing and wonder in his voice. “Cas, is it…”

Castiel’s eyes flicked downwards for a brief moment. “True?” His eyes fixed on Dean’s once again. “Yes. I make no apologies for the way I felt. The way I feel.”

“Will it fade?”

It wasn’t the question either of them had expected. Dean should probably have asked how long Castiel had felt like that, if he’d ever suspected he cared more than platonically before he lost his wings. But all Dean found himself caring about was what Castiel felt now.

Castiel took his time before answering. “No.” he said eventually. “It was there the whole time, I just couldn’t identify it until I was mortal.”

Dean wasn’t sure when he’d crossed the room, but all he knew was Castiel’s face was in his hands and he couldn’t stop this if he tried.

He didn’t even want to.

His lips covered Castiel’s in a desperate kiss, his eyes closed as he poured everything he couldn’t express in words into it. If tears stung his eyes, he would deny it with all his heart, because Dean Winchester did not cry at a kiss. Not even if it was from Castiel, after all this time.

Pulling back, he pressed their foreheads together. “I can feel everything you described, Cas. I can’t breathe, and my heart is going crazy.” He gave a shaky laugh, pecking Castiel’s lips again, sliding his arms around his waist to bring him in close.

“You realise it’s the sappiest thing ever, right? That you basically just turned your human experience into a giant love letter dedicated to me?”

Castiel smiled, a wide, brilliant smile that took the remainder of Dean’s breath away. “No, Dean,” he told him gently. “You were my human experience.”

Dean decided he could be forgiven if the only answer he had to that was to kiss Castiel again and again and again.

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